The Jokes Thread

[MadGamer]

I woke up this morning, thinking i had Bird Flu, turns out i was just feeling peckish. :-D

[Hengis]

Ok, here's some:

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won?t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."



Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I?m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it?s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there?s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ?What the hell was that all about?"

[Spaceman3750]

Good ones Hengis :-D

[double_a_ron]

A stoner finds a magic lamp and of course, rubs it. A genie pops out and says : "I'll grant you 2 wishes". So the stoner thinks for a minute and says "I wish for a joint that never ends" and POOF! There it is. So he tries it out and of course it never gets any smaller. So the genies asks him "So what's your second wish?" The stoner replies "I wish for another one".

Okay here's a dumb one (yes even by compariso) I heard in grade school:

Q. If half a chicken lays half an eg in half a day, how long does it take a monkey with a peg leg to poke the seeds out of a watermelon?

A. A day cause snakes don't have armpits. (not funny but generates funny faces if you ask the question nice and fast )

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers, drinks them and leaves. The barkeep notices this happens once a day and asks the man why he does that. The man replies: "Back in the war, me and my comrades would each have a beer, in their dying breaths as i held them they asked my to have a drink with them every day if I made it home." Touched by this sad story the barkeep gave him one round on the house every night from then on. One day the man came in a the barkeep put the usual 3 beers on the counter and the man said "Only two tonight please". Confused, the bartender put one beer and asked "But what about your tradition?" to which the man replied "Oh, I quit drinking".

I guess you've had enough for now. :icon_joke

[Spaceman3750]

I'v heard the beer one before... Funny .

[ladygreenwitch]

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it?s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there?s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ?What the hell was that all about?"

:laughing4 Very Funny,

Ok, most of the jokes I know are either musical and must be sung or done in accents, or of course are off color and not appropriate here. But here is my favorite joke of all time. I hope you are familiar with the humor of Steven Wright, because it's all in the delivery,


"You can't have everything.......




Where would you put it?"

Tj

[joe5]

The world's foremost expert on wasps and their means of communication was strolling in his local down town area. A sign at the music store caught his eye: "Just Released! Wasps of the World & the Sounds They Make. Available now!"

The expert entered the shop and talked to the clerk behind the counter. "I am the world expert on wasp communication. I'd very much like to listen to the new record you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, sir. If you'd like to put on the headphones, I'll start the record for you."

Ten minutes later, the expert shook his head. "As I said, I am the world expert on wasp communication, but I recognized none of those sounds."
"I'm terribly sorry," said the clerk.

"I just realized I was playing you the bee side."

[ladygreenwitch]

RIMSHOT!!! :cheesy:

[ladygreenwitch]

Here, this one's worse,



A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies:"But, madam, computers do not have curtains!!!"
....And the blonde said:

"Helloooo....? I've got Windows"!!!

[Spaceman3750]

Forget curtains, for Windows, you need iron bars, lasers, a camera, and an alarm system :-D.

[Matt87]

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

How come there aren't B batteries?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,the young know everything.

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Young Adult

She Who MUST be obeyed

My reality check bounced.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

If they don?t have chocolate in heaven, I?m not going

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

The more **** you put up with, the more **** you are going to get.

Everybody wants to go