The Jokes Thread

[slowride66]

A blonde joke . . . . . .

& the blonde wins!!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.


SR66

[ladygreenwitch]

Seroiusly ROFL

LGW

[dave2312uk]

lol, took me 2 read throughs to get it, im a bit slow , I got a little riddle for yas, so here goes:

When you die you go to heaven (supposedly), you appear there and discover everyone is naked,your first misson to become an angel is to discover who is adam and who is eve without asking anyone and without using any type of communication??

Answer Below
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They have no belly-buttons

[dave2312uk]

Hi again, i gt another for yaz aswell, lets imagine your family and friends have been tied up and will die if you get this incorrect, ok here goes:

you are in a house, and in the cellar there are 3 light bulbs, you are upstairs and next to 3 light switches, you see the problem is your only allowed to leave the room once to find out which switch goes to which light bulb,also the lights were all switched off when you entered the house, how would you do this, (a little hint is "time is the soloution").
Answer Below:
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Ok heres the soloution, you switch one light switch and leave it on for about an hour then switch it off, you then switch another switch on and enter the cellar, you simply feel the light bulbs to see which one is warm (this is the one left on for an hour, the cold one is the one you havent switched on and the one that is switched on is the one you turned on before entering the cellar, seems like a confusing soloution but i get it so u should Also sorry about the big space between answer and problem, i did this to stop u cheating let me know wat yas think

[ineverwin]

nice one mad gamer about the bird flu one

[slowride66]

Are computers males or females? You decide.
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a
network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than
they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for
a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in
the **** machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered
system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have
their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future
reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.\



SR66

[Hengis]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know **** about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

[Hengis]

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

[Hengis]

Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured one to the hospital. After examing him the doctor came into the waiting room and said.
" I have good news and bad news, The good news is that your friend will live, the bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

No offense intended...

[Hengis]

A woman went to the doctors complaining that she was always exhausted.
The doctor asked her how often she made love.
"On Mondays Wednesdays Fridays And Saturdays. She replied.
"Well I suggest you miss out Fridays" said the doctor.
''I can't" said the woman " its the only day my husband is home"