The Jokes Thread

[Daemian]

i dont think i saw these ones:


The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Microsoft is not the answer - Microsoft is the question. The answer is no!



There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard.

What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?

One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

[slowride66]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking own the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the
door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked
what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it,and I'm not leaving until I get it,"

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one
of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute
little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

"When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll
jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when
Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and
have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work,
the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch
the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my
FROG."



SR66

[joe5]

Great stuff guys!

@SL , the last is abit on the edge for a forum like this , but very funny.

[Scouse]

If you never needed proof that 'Clippit' was evil - I got it.

http://d.1asphost.com/mrscouse69/clippit%20letter.bmp

[Bluefish]

Haha funny one Scouse!

[Spaceman3750]

SR66: ROFL, that's so funny, and yet so close to "the line" for this site, as Joe pointed out. But funny none the less .

[slowride66]

I am sincerely sorry if I upset anyone.

Sometimes is easy to forget the lines that are drawn.& thing in a forum setting can be perceived wrongly sometimes
{not this time you all are right}

I really enjoy the privilege of coming here,Learning from you all & never EVER mean to offend anyone.

I did not realize it was that close,not until you all pointed it out did I re think it .

AND sometimes I do go overboard trying to get a laugh out of some.
A comic I'm not!

{can you tell we don't have children?}

I will do my best to keep it in between the ditched & sunny side up, considering some of the ones that get forwarded to me its really a challenge

Respectfully.
Rob aka;
SR66

[double_a_ron]

NP Slowride, it's a funny one.


A pastor was delighted to find out that a teenaged member of his congregation was going to Bible College. Out of curiosity he went over and asked the student what exactly made him want to go.

The student replied: " I'ts going to be great! The exam will have only ten questions and if i mess it up they have to forgive me."

BTW: This is "Star Wars Cantina" which is a parody of Barry Manilow's Copacabana(?o.O)

To put it bluntly, it's funny as hell.

8bit mono mp3...a quick download even if you're on dial-up (relatively speaking).

[slowride66]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane whenanother man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and
that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch
this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the
aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's
arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman
is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to defecate
all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out
how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"


SR66

[Spaceman3750]

ROFL SR, that's halarious .

[spellbyte]

Unanswered Questions


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags,"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at *******.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why ! aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells:"THEIRS"?