[genesis]

haha, i fell of my chair reading all the jokes here

[ih8bills]

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true

Robert Wilensky

[valis]

bear walks into a bar and orders a bear. Ensuing conversation below:

Barkeep: Sorry, we don't server bears here (points at sign that states 'this establishment does not serve beers to bears")
Bear: Look, buddy, it's been a rough day. Just gimme a beer and I'll be on my way.
Barkeep: Sorry pal, not my decision. Upper management and all that.
Bear. I understand. Just gimme a beer before I get mad, and I'll be on my way, as I said.
Barkeep: Sorry. No beer for bears.
Bear: All right, now I'm angry. Either give me a beer, or I'll eat that lady at the end of the bar (points toward some haggard wench on her 12th tequila fannybanger of the day)
Barkeep: Do what you need to, but this bar will not serve bears beers.

Bear goes down and messily devours the haggard wench. Comes back, muzzle all bloody, shreds of clothing in his teeth.

Bear: NOW give me a beer. Or you won't like the consequences.
Barkeep: Sorry. Don't serve drug users here. (points at another sign)
Bear (flabbergasted): WTF? All I asked for was a beer. I don't do dope.
Barkeep: Really, now? That was the barbituate.

[DIIRE]

lol, valis that was a good one.

[Cobracon]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa,
taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell dog named Killer, along for the
company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly,
"Boy,that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack
Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old Jack Russell says... "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an
hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome
youth and treachery!

***BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.***

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are
just more "youthfully challenged."

You DID notice the size of the print, didn't you?


Have a great day!!!!

[Arctos]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

9. School lunches stick to the wall.

10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Aeroplane Jelly to a tree.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tyres.

5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer god lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

9. Eat a live cane toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

[Arctos]

Failed Logistics Exam.

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers...

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”