[Arctos]

Originally Posted by Wolfeymole

How very succinct with regard to the inabilities of MS Word or any Word program for that matter regarding grammar Arctos.
It's lost in the structure, the meaning etc.

Here's some more...

No wonder English is so hard to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt

_______________________________

Our Strange Lingo
When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it's true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose
And think of goose and yet with choose
Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don't agree.

[Wolfeymole]

These are the official Rules when playing bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.
Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft, Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[valis]

countered with the unwritten rules for real golf:

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former.
3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped.
5. No matter what causes a golfer to **** a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
9. Palm trees eat golf balls.
10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent - or some similar combination.
13. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see law three).
15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[Wolfeymole]

A good one mate lol

[valis]

some more, and I've actually used to tell my pupils letter c when I was teaching.....lot of honesty in that one.....

a: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
b: Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
c: When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
d: If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
e: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
f: No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
g: The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
h: If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
i: Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
j: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt:. for an 8.
k: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
l: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
m: It's not a gimme if you're still away.
n: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
o: There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
p: You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
q: If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
r: Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
s: When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
t: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
a: If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
b: To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
c: There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
d: Hazards attract, fairways repel.
e: You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
f: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
g: If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
h: If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

[GaRHaR]

This has been floating around for a while now...but it's still a golden one and I get a kick out of it each time I read it...I'm not sure if it's already been posted here...but hey...I'm too lazy to look


Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account A350 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:" Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of A320 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at A35 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?


Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

[Wolfeymole]

You see that's just typical of the banking system, instead of being amused the manager should have been humiliated and embarrassed. Banks could teach Scrooge a thing or two the robbing bastards.