[Arctos]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

[madmonkey]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

- At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
- At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
- At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
- At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
- At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
- At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
- At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
- At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[upgrader]

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.
On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.
On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.


On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.


(consultant collapses)

[joe5]

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.

No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?

"He went with Ma and Pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[joe5]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early, but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half hour late, he saw the backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

[Arctos]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

[madmatt2006]

Playing with words heard this before?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a root!!!